Resilience - You can't always get what you want.

The school year has begun in earnest and the learning is well under way.  The more deeply we delve into various learning and social opportunities, the more likely it is that your child will experience occasions where things do not go as they had hoped, wished or wanted.  Learning to deal with disappointment is a necessary skill for all human beings because in life we know that there are many times when we do not get what we want.  The song by the Rolling Stones, "You Can't Always Get What You Want", captures the essence of some of the difficult experiences that we all have in life.  As parents and teachers we must help our children understand that sometimes despite how hard we try, how good we are at something, or how much we want something to happen, things do not go as we planned.  In those situations, the modelling that we do as adults  for our children will either enhance resiliency skills or increase dependency on adults to make things right.

One of the very important lessons that we must impart to our children is that fair and equal are not one and the same.  When we make decisions as parents and as teachers, there are a whole host of factors that come into play.  For example, in selecting students to participate on sports team, physical skill and expertise are not the only things that are taken into consideration.  Teachers and coaches look at the whole child and each individual child to determine whose needs would be best met by being selected for a team.  A child who does not possess a great deal of skill or expertise in a paticular sport might be selected over a student who is engaged competitively in the sport outside of school.  Reasons for the selection might range from the manner in which the student approaches collaborating with team members, whether or not the student has access to organized sports of any kind outside of school, the number of times a student has been selected in the past, along with a host of other reasons.  The same decision making process happens in all aspects of our classroms, including how groups are selected for learning opportunities, which additional activities and responsibilities will be offered to students, what learning activities are offered to students, etc.

It is very difficult for children to understand why someone might appear to get something he/she did not have access to.  It is also very difficult for children to understand why it looks like some students are getting special treatement or consideration.  As adults we must help our children understand that there are many things that go into a decision that is made and often the explanation of those reasons cannot be shared because it involves the learning and social profile of another person.  Will this alleviate the feeling of disappointment or even rejection?  Probably not.  So what can we do, as adults to help our children understand that fair and equal are not necessarily the same and that sometimes disappointment will happen?

1.  Talk to your children and affirm the feelings that they are having.   Let them know that you understand how they feel and that it is OK to feel disappointed.
2.  Encourage your children to keep trying.  It is very easy to give up when first not selected or when a disappointment occurs.  Resiliency is trying again and working hard to acheive a goal.
3.  Encourage your children to speak to the teacher or the coach asking for an explanation, particularly one that is rooted in growth mindset...meaning asking what the student could have done better or needs to work on,
4.  Avoid immediately reacting to your child's distress by tyring to make it right.   It is natural for us to want to remove the hurt an disappointment from our children but fixing the problem for them instead of helping them work through it can be detrimental to the development of resilency skills.
5.  Model for your children how to navigate disappointment.  They watch us constantly and they learn from us.

For further reading on children and disappointment, please click the link below:

How to Help Children Deal with Disappointment

Mindset ... The Power of Yet

What is the power of yet?  It is the main characteristic of growth mindset.  It tells us that if we do not currently understand how to do something or find something challenging, we do not give up, instead we understand that we do not know how to do it YET.  In our classrooms we see examples of growth mindset and fixed mindset each day.  Students who demonstrate a growth mindset have much greater learning potential than a student demonstrating fixed mindset.  The student demonstrating a growth mindset does not flee in the face of challenge.  Although something might be challenging, and even frustrating, the student with the growth mindset will persevere and use known strategies to further develop neural pathways, thereby creating new strategies.  The student with the growth mindset understands that making mistakes is part of the learning process and is, in fact, essential in order to learn.  This applies to all aspects of life, not just academic progress.  The student with the fixed mindset believes that he/she should be able to solve all problems immediately without struggle. If something proves to be challenging, the student with the fixed mindset tends to shut down, to assume that he/she is not smart enough.  As such, challenges are avoided and often the student will use distractions to draw attention away from the fear of failure that is present.  In our classrooms, this often comes out as behaviour or blame.

How can we help our children understand that learning is messy and that it is completely normal to make mistakes in the process of learning?  What can we do as adults?  Dr. Carol Dweck, author and researcher in the area of mindset, offers many different strategies.  A major one that is easy to implement is to look at the way in which we praise our children.  Are we telling them each time they do something right or well that they are smart?  Or when they do something well or master something are we praising them for using great strategies, for sticking with it or for the effort that led them to a great result?  The first manner of praise is a fixed mindset.  A child who hears continuously how smart he or she is will eventually be afraid to try something new because he/she will be afraid to fail.  The child who is praised for effort will understand that it is hard work and perseverance that leads to success and will therefore try all the harder in the face of challenge.

Many of our students come to us already well formed in a fixed mindset position.  They present to us with a dislike of school, sometimes behavioural challenges and often with social challenges as they have difficulty with flexibility and understanding other perspectives.  You can start to help your child by focusing on praise for effort.  You can also ask the following great question each day:

What was the best part of your day?

As parents we often ask the question ...How was your day?...For our students who are experiencing challenge and perhaps demonstrating a fixed mindset, this question is an opening to give a litany of all kinds of terrible things each day.  Depending on the reaction of his/her parent, the child can actually come to think that the only thing that mom or dad wants to hear is the negative and so this is what is relayed.

The question "What was the best part of your day?" leads students to have to reflect on something that was good.  It then provides an opening for parents to ask, "What made that part of the day so good?".  This, in turn, leads to opportunities for parents to praise effort and perseverance.

The following link provides a short video by Dr. Dweck explaining mindset.

The power of yet

Fantastic First Week

We have had a wonderful first week of School at St. Theresa.  We spent a lot of time this week reviewing the basic routines and expectations at the school.  Staff at the school understand how important those routines are to reducing anxiety and to ensuring that students are ready for learning.  Routines are just as important at home as at school.  This is especially true after a long summer of a different kind of routine.  This is the time of year to establish routines for bed times, for homework and for the various responsibilities that your children might have at home.  There is a wealth of information available about the importance of back to school routines at home that help staff at school ensure that your children are calm, alert and ready for learning.

Through this school year, staff will be exploring more about self-regulation and the very important role that self-regulation strategies play in your child's ability to engage in learning.

Here is a link that speaks about the importance of setting back to school routines at home in order to help your child be successful at school.

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